Guilt is an integral part of mommyhood. Whether you do the right things or not, one cannot escape its deadly claws. Questions on whether you did it enough, at the right time, in the right way and so on will keep plaguing you till something happens to confirm your belief. The guilt always finds it way with the candy offered to buy out peace at a mall, with the TV gawking allowed to shove the food down, with the coffee-gossip you allow yourself with a colleague as you are ready to leave office, it never leaves you... through the tiniest creek of doubt it finds in its way.
Sometimes you may find a reason to forgive yourself - a lack of knowledge (real or assumed); an oversight; an indulgence but sometimes you just can't - Today is the day. As i hear my girl, crying out my name and the help trying to put her to sleep, i am ready to cry myself.
It all started with the visit to the dentist today (long due at that!). Actually, it would have started much before that. For her front top two teeth we had noticed some gaps and took her to the dentist, it took her just a minute of peering down my baby's mouth and she pronounced "It's a cavity" with a clear unhesitant tone - my hear sank and sank. She blamed the extended breastfeeding rather night feeding for it - my death sentence on guilt's altar.
No matter how many excuses i give, i can't let go of how i failed my daughter and how she would have to undergo the torture of fillings and caps and regular dentist visits - such gross neglect. Truth be told, we had tried to wean her off the night thing, unsuccessfully, for two weeks - in the end, her will won over our groggy selves and we bought ourselves sleep with it.
For now, no more nursing for her - I had not meant to end this beautiful thing like this.She wails in the other room for me and I hover outside the door with my heart in my throat. I am SO sorry.
Sometimes you may find a reason to forgive yourself - a lack of knowledge (real or assumed); an oversight; an indulgence but sometimes you just can't - Today is the day. As i hear my girl, crying out my name and the help trying to put her to sleep, i am ready to cry myself.
It all started with the visit to the dentist today (long due at that!). Actually, it would have started much before that. For her front top two teeth we had noticed some gaps and took her to the dentist, it took her just a minute of peering down my baby's mouth and she pronounced "It's a cavity" with a clear unhesitant tone - my hear sank and sank. She blamed the extended breastfeeding rather night feeding for it - my death sentence on guilt's altar.
No matter how many excuses i give, i can't let go of how i failed my daughter and how she would have to undergo the torture of fillings and caps and regular dentist visits - such gross neglect. Truth be told, we had tried to wean her off the night thing, unsuccessfully, for two weeks - in the end, her will won over our groggy selves and we bought ourselves sleep with it.
For now, no more nursing for her - I had not meant to end this beautiful thing like this.She wails in the other room for me and I hover outside the door with my heart in my throat. I am SO sorry.
http://thebabybond.com/CavitiesBreastfedBottlefed.html
ReplyDeleteRead this pls and try not to berate yourself. Also try and get a second opinion. Feeding a 19 month old can't be ' extended' breastfeeding...? I feel so awful for you and K. She must be bewildered :'(
There is nothing I can say which will ease this guilt /pain, so just a deep hug and also ( can't resist words :-)) your child is strong enough to emerge from this unscathed, so just help her win this battle!
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