And it starts..

The demands that is. K made her first demand after watching the advertisements on TV for an item not targeted at her, not used by her, in a show not meant for her. Pointing at a handbag dangling on a skinny arm she goes "Mujhe yeh bag chahiye, tum aate hue le aaogi?"

Taking stock..

An old post that stayed in my "Drafts" till STG's blog reminded me of it.. probably a good time to post as we enter the new year..

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Now, seems like a good time to take stock of where I am. In fact, any time is... but with the 32nd birthday just gone by and K's second birthday and the eighth (yes, eighth!) wedding anniversary round the corner seems like a good time. Not that I haven't done it in a long time but probably want to use this space to organize my thoughts better (a la The Toddler's room plan). Plus, having some goals and those in black ink (Ok, black font) in the cyber space seen by millions of cyber denizens (Ok, probably two) must mean more than just having them in my head churning and changing every day.

As probably most of us do, I consider myself a sum of many interconnected parts which influence and draw from each other. They make up my mood, health and the general sense of happiness or well being. I want to address them separately so that none feels neglected and they can all work together.

Physical - Make peace with it. The body has been through a lot since the birth of K and changed in many ways. While working out still remains a distant dream even now, at least begin in the way of eating right ( I believe I have started in my small way). At any stage, fat or skinny (not seeing that in this lifetime again, I am sure), never to belittle (pun intended) the body - respect it, enjoy it and love it enough to adorn it with beautiful clothes, accessories etc. Strength, is something I find lacking right now - improve it with some training. Keep it in shape for the possible birth of another child and the increasing age in general.

Emotional - Take charge. Trying hard to internalize that happiness is a choice, not a result of circumstances, what other people say/ do not say/do. Take the onus, change the situation or make it stop affecting you. Find ways to avoid unhappiness, get a better understanding of what makes me happy and use it shamelessly everytime. Give also the my heart the space and time to be sad, angry, disappointed, whatever - but not for long..

Professional - Bear it. My job isn't the one that makes me want to jump out of the bed every morning (and if you think people/ jobs like that don't exist, meet the Mr.), but it does take me out of the home, gets me the money, makes me meet other people, allows to have another facet to myself and occasionally gives me the satisfaction of a job well done. So while I stay on the lookout for the dream job/ vocation - hang in there, with or without a job and respect and enjoy what I have. Also, as Papa advised yesterday, make good use of the money as long as it is flowing in - put on the dust eating financial hat and think some.

Spiritual - Frankly, haven't given that much thought but have begun to think a little about another issue used interchangeably for Spirituality - Religion. Not to mix the two, but do plan to know a little more about the religion I was born it, have an opinion on it - for myself and when the time comes, for K.

Social - Do something, one thing which is bigger than myself which touches one more than me or my near ones. Have been absolving myself with money but that is the easiest to give. It is not the least important to receive but I do want to contribute with some time and engagement.

Enjoyment - Yes, its not a part of me but as the real purpose of life evades me, I do hope it to be one of them. Know what I like, may like and do it - at least try it. Be braver. Create. Found that it is definitely one thing that makes me happy (I have a feeling it would make most happy). Create anything - a dish, a cake, a painting, an idea, a blog post, anything. It makes me even happier than knowing. Probably, this is what creativity is supposed to mean too and not the usual way it is connoted of always coming up with something new, unchartered..

This is probably the heaviest I have written here or anywhere and as amply evident, I am well on my way to Moksh. : )  I just wish I have a rocking time on the way...

Sweet child of mine

It's difficult, mommyhood is. New mothers may think they are having the toughest time and wouldn't wait for the kid to get older and things to easen. Well, I have news... it only gets tougher... kids want to be entertained - all the time, they have to be talked to, played with and kept in good humor. Not to mention - food, that can easily turn into a bone of contention (pun intended).

But they also do things, that turn a what-have-i-got-into to why-did-i-not-have-this-earlier in a flash and you into one big ooey-gooey piece of all heart. K has always had trouble with her sleep and though things have got better (fingers crossed!), there are days and there are nights. One such night, she woke up at 4 am and promptly came and slept on top of me. Yes, not beside me or near me - on top of me (this is now, by the way, a regular thing she has taken to doing every night). This was followed by her waking up again and asking for a story, then for me to press her legs along with a story, then a demand to be picked up and rocked. By this time, I lost it... she would fall into sleep and suddenly wake up with another demand. She finally slept after an hour leaving me staring at the ceiling grudging her my sleep and N, his complete apathy and to sleep right through the ordeal... sleep wouldn't come to me now...

This is when she woke up one last time, half opened her eyes and as I turned to listen to what she wanted now, she cupped my face in her palms, smiled the most beautiful smile and peacefully went back to sleep. So did I.

Planning a toddler's room.. Part II

This post comes in late as I had meant to have one with my plan. It's late because the plan is well underway already. Sawdust everywhere in the house, the hammer, the saw and drill playing sweet music all day. Here is the layout of the room and the plan for it. Of course it sees changes every day but this one is pretty close. This is what we started with.

This is what it is going to have.

 

The window seat: Right below the window with storage below it. I hope to spend a lot of time there when I do find some.

The bed: Set against 2 walls and beside the window seat. The choice was to have another pull-out bed below or some storage, with another room dedicated to guests - I chose storage.

A closet: A double door closet facing the bed. Though the room has space for two of such, we will do with one for the time being and use the remaining space for a study.

A bookcase: To store the books and other K's knick knacks.

Have chosen the accent color to be Green. Though there were beautiful pinks to be chosen from - really pretty shades of it but it just felt... well, so cliched. I also know of a friend who grew up hating pink just because her room was so!

The soft furnishings now need to be chosen and tailored. I hope K likes it all!

Planning a toddler's room.. Part I

Husband's cousin staying with us moved out recently which leaves us with a room, planned to be baby girl's room. With so many "mistakes" I have made around the house, I wanted to get this plan right. Ok, not all are mistakes, half of them are just regrets to have done it this way or that looking at the beautiful pictures pinterest, blogs regularly throw up. And each time I look at the said item in my home, my heart aches as do my eyes.

This post is probably  to stop the whirl in my head and get it out so I can prioritize things that are really important.

• Storage: Evere since K was born, there has been a deluge of her stuff. It arrives in loads - clothes, books, toys, stroller, high chair... faster than I can pack it up to the loft as she outgrows it. This time around, I want to have space - a place for everything (ok, not everything) and everything in it's place (we'll see about that). So hopefully for the items I can foresee coming in, in the near future, I plan an appropriate storage. I have learnt this to be the secret of a neat (not necesaarily organized) house. Some good reads i found.

DIY Kids' Room Storage Projects

Toddler Rooms Ideas For Organization

Kids' Rooms Storage Solutions

• Space: K needs space to walk, run, lie around, mess and just be. It's going to be a thin line to tread with my aim for ample (and then some more) storage.
• Safety: K at 19 months is not at stage where she has learnt the inherent dangers of handling things the wrong way. So drawers, sharp protruding corners, unstable furniture, uncovered power points etc. still pose a danger, will have to take care of that.

And now coming to some cosmetic considerations.

• Theme: Should one have it or not? On one end, it gives the room a cohesive look, can be a source of joy for the child if it's of his/her interest and most importantly its SO much fun to put to together! On the other hand, it's very restrictive in terms of decor options, a child can outgrow it quickly (Heck, I am sure I will outgrow it quicker than her!). So here is my take - I am going to have a theme, a broad one like birds, flowers, jungle animals, Dolls or even Paris. I guess i can have this till she is hooked on to cartoon characters and wants them because, putting it mildly, I am not too much for them.
• Colors: I have seen pictures after pictures and this is how I divide them in my head right now. Mono toned vs. Dual toned (mostly complimentotary) vs. Multi toned; Pastels vs. Primary colors or Jewel tones. 



A single toned room.



A dual toned room



A dual toned room again, love the colors!

So, mono or dual toned are going to be very restrictive and difficult to maintain, I think its going to be multi toned. For the second question - I thought of the one word I wanted to associate with her room and for me it came out to be - Cozy! That nailed it to pastels. Tell me, who wouldn't want to live here?



Cozy!!



• A Nook: I want a nook for her, to read, to play house or just be. Ok, who am I kidding? I need a nook for myself and given the double duty the room is going to do as our Study and her room (however is that going to work out), I need a nook. For long I was stuck on the tent-ed sort of Nooks...



Of course, your whole room (or a good part of it) could be one cozy nook... but I dont have a  huge place in hand to take that risk..

Or it could be make-shift

Till I discovered window seats, my new love...

I got to have one!

The BIG mistake...

Guilt is an integral part of mommyhood. Whether you do the right things or not, one cannot escape its deadly claws. Questions on whether you did it enough, at the right time, in the right way and so on will keep plaguing you till something happens to confirm your belief. The guilt always finds it way with the candy offered to buy out peace at a mall, with the TV gawking allowed to shove the food down, with the coffee-gossip you allow yourself with a colleague as you are ready to leave office, it never leaves you... through the tiniest creek of doubt it finds in its way.

Sometimes you may find a reason to forgive yourself - a lack of knowledge (real or assumed); an oversight; an indulgence but sometimes you just can't - Today is the day. As i hear my girl, crying out my name and the help trying to put her to sleep, i am ready to cry myself.

It all started with the visit to the dentist today (long due at that!). Actually, it would have started much before that. For her front top two teeth we had noticed some gaps and took her to the dentist, it took her just a minute of peering down my baby's mouth and she pronounced "It's a cavity" with a clear unhesitant tone - my hear sank and sank. She blamed the extended breastfeeding rather night feeding for it - my death sentence on guilt's altar.

No matter how many excuses i give, i can't let go of how i failed my daughter and how she would have to undergo the torture of fillings and caps and regular dentist visits - such gross neglect. Truth be told, we had tried to wean her off the night thing, unsuccessfully, for two weeks - in the end, her will won over our groggy selves and we bought ourselves sleep with it.

For now, no more nursing for her -  I had not meant to end this beautiful thing like this.She wails in the other room for me and I hover outside the door with my heart in my throat. I am SO sorry.

Kids say the darndest things!

My daughter, K, 19 months today is seeing an explosion in her vocabulary, with her picking not only new words but also new phrases every day. She has a neat repertoire of sentences and phrases by now which she sometime uses to hilarious effects. While the words we have deliberately taught her, reinforcing it with images and repetition are encouraged and praised, it is the ones she has picked up from the family conversations are the ones that sometimes leave us stumped.

When she cries, we often try to placate her with a "Chup baby, Chup", nobody has told her that it means to hush but I am sure she deciphered the meaning when to the crying neighbor girl (almost her age) she said "Chup Tammu, Chup!".

She also took us by surprise by her usage and understanding of "Sacchi". During her pretend plays, she regularly serves us plate/mugful of Chai, Chowmein, Roti, Pizza, Cake etc. and we often tell her to get us a "sacchi ka Cake". I am sure even if I tried to, I couldn’t have explained the word to her in this context. But one day during such a play when she asked for "Paani" and I pushed her empty Kitchen-set mug towards her, she pushed it away, walked out of the room saying "Nahi, sacchi ka!".

"Please" is another word that is difficult to explain the meaning of, one can just reiterate its usage by using it yourself. We had not got to the stage of reinforcing it deliberately but used it often to get her to open her mouth to eat. She once pulling me to come with her to another room and saying "Mummy chalo" for around 5 times, added a "Please" making it a "Mummy, please" - I had to go.

The funniest one, the one whose import she doesn't understand yet but the irony of it coming a few years earlier than expected was not lost on us happened a couple of weeks back. She often plays with my bag and loves to dig out stuff from there. When she reaches my wallet, she loves to separate the money ("Paise") and cards and papers in it. I had started using another wallet and it still didn’t have either the notes or cards in it. She took my bag, pulled out the wallet and went "Mummy, purse", took a peek inside, found no notes, outstretched her hand and went "Mummy, Paise?", I told her there is none and she tries again "Mummy, card?".

Hide n Seek

We have been playing the game with baby girl for quite sometime now. And it is only in the last few months that she has got the drift and of course has now given it her own drift.

She "hides" behinds curtains, suddenly pulls up sheets over head sitting on the bed or simply looks the other way resolutely to "hide". The most hilarious ones are where she just covers her eyes with her hands or just closes them- she would like us to believe, she is not visible and hence, we should start the "seeking", which goes like this - we call out her name loudly many times looking here and there and then talk among ourselves about where she might be making up stories.

E: N, have you seen K?
N: I think she went out (bahar). Today is Sunday, she must have gone shopping.
E: How has she gone?
N: She took the bus.
E: Did she take an umbrella along, its going to rain....so and so forth...

If we are delayed in "seeking" her, or are occupied elsewhere, she takes on the job herself. She starts to say her name repeatedly going "Anu, Anu, Anu... (that is what she has decided to call herself!)". Not only this, when asked where she is, she also answers saying "Bahar", all this from where ever she is "hidden". And so that it is not very inconvenient, she is available to answer all questions that we may have for her, all the while being hidden and speaks out the answer of "what did the doggie say?" etc., promptly.

I am sure she is enjoys the game but of course not as much as us.... what fun!

The theory of relativity..

While the world may have required Einstein to make it understand it, my baby - K knows it very well, at her age of 17 months.

This is how it works for her.

Take 1: When the neighbor's kid (2 months younger to K) comes over, throw your weight around, don't let her touch any of your toys, be ready with the most primitive war cry at the slightest attempt, hoard her toys, ensure she cries at a minimum interval of 10 minutes, patronize her with wanting to comb her hair and patting her cheek, and show irreprisible signs of happiness of being able to pack her off when she leaves.

Take 2:  When at the playground, you meet a 3 year old girl double your height, smile nicely, reach out to shake hands, give her your books when she asks for them, ask them back soundlessly with just a stretch of the arm and finally wave a very cordial "ta-ta" when you leave.

You, my girl, are ready for the world!

Creatures of habit..

They say children are creatures of habit. So, all the Internet gurus (i.e. the gurus on the Internet), the books prescribe doing the same things, at the same time, at same place, with (of course the same) children ad infinitum, ad nauseum to get the semblance of a routine in your life and theirs. I think the problem starts when you don't have/ haven't had one in your own life - a routine that is. I would like to believe that there are a many of us who live like that - not waking, eating, sleeping, working at the same time/ place everyday (please tell me there are at least a few like that!).

So, for my little one's sleep woes, I guess i should take part responsibility. Probably, I have failed her in giving a - here it comes again- Routine. Although, she now sleeps with some sort of a schedule but wakes up at odd hours, sometimes after 2 hours, sometimes 3, 4, 6 and once (just once) 8 hours. I hope it is a natural skill that comes very soon to her and peace to us.

But, does she want the same thing? Try giving her the same thing for dinner everyday and look at her turn her head disdainfully when I know of some children who will down bowl after bowl of khichdi every day.

On habit, here is a funny thing. K is usually rewarded with a loud clap and lot of congratulation from my side whenever she pees in the commode. One time, last week, I took her to the seat. She peed and then looked at me expectedly. Occupied, as I was, I didn't understand it till she took my one hand and then the other and clapped them together. Congratulations baby!

The things you do..

My little girl is growing up, and sooo fast... I don't like it. She is already exerting her independence in most things she does - she wants to eat by herself (and feed us too!), dress herself, comb her hair. She likes to wear her pants by herself, never mind that she has one on already and never mind if she can manage to get only one leg on.
Recently, though, she has taken an aversion to clothes - doesn't want to wear anything... except her shoes (she can wear them all day!) or Papa's socks (on hands and feet). So a bare bottomed baby toddling about in her shoes and a vest is a common sight in the house. Only yesterday, as I was trying to put a diaper on her and had managed to slide half of it under her bum, she lifted herself upand pulled it out from beneath her in one smooth movement!
I am just glad she stays in my lap for as long as I want to kiss and cuddle with her and doesn't wriggle out yet, its also beautiful to hear her say new words everyday and gettingc amazed by how much she already understands (I told her to get me a cushion and she did! Not one, all!)....K, now couldn't you just be a doll and stay my baby forever...

Main, Katrina!

We are at a stage with the baby girl where we point to things and she says (whatever and however she can), what it is. So the Bangalore Times arrives with a smiling Katrina Kaif gracing its first page and the maid points to her and says "Yeh kaun hai?" and my girl goes "Amma", very confidently and evidently very happily. I loved her a thousand times more at that moment (as if that was possible!).
So, it turns out not only am I blind to her flaws (flaws? what flaws?) and think she looks like how Aishwarya Rai must have looked in her childhood (if not better), she too thinks I am rocking it like Katrina Kaif! Muuuaaah! I love you!

As it hit me..

I had seen the signs some months back, I knew it was coming but I didn't know it would be this bad. This just makes life so difficult... Whatever am I going to do?? It revealed to me completely, in its most painful form on the Saturday night (as I watched the movie, Agneepath) - I have turned into a mush ball, completely and probably irredeemably (Mushball -there I just created a word, or a phrase if you will. Don’t believe me? Try googling it - you wouldn’t find it in the way I mean it yet you perfectly understand what I am saying).

I have reached zero tolerance levels for anything happening to kids (girl children in particular), or parents (what will happen to the kids??).. I see it and I get this feeling in my stomach, I feel the lowest low ever, darkness descends before my (crying) eyes, my BP plummets to what I am sure are single digit levels... nothing nothing seems right with the world and I ache to physically be able to get into the newspaper, the screen, to set things right. I understand this is a difficult situation to be in, in India, as kids (and as are semi-clad women) are used shamelessly to evoke the sentiments and sell everything (from toothpastes to motor cycles). Telly serials are also waking up to their potential as tear-jerkers. For me, I don't even need the gritty, real-life incidents to induce this attack, over-the-top corny situations are also enough (As I have discovered to my huge discomfort). And since most people dying, getting hurt or TV or films are either parents or children, it leaves me nowhere.

Of course it is do with my recent foray into motherhood and my over active imagination (at least in this regard). As someone had said that once you become a mother be prepared to have your heart walk out of your body for the rest of your life… I just did not know it would also be available for the world to walk over it so easily…

Moved by mauve..

My favourite time of the year at Bangalore. Not weather-wise because it could be a little cooler (who is complaining though?), but just the way the city is covered with mauve flowers (Jacaranda?) everywhere. They are on the roads and on the trees, striking against the clear blue skies. They will also always remind me of the time when we moved into our home, they were in full bloom then too...





Mumma!

K  said “Mumma” a couple of weeks back for the first time. She had said the word earlier too but never meant it to be me, but this time she did. I had returned from work and was waiting outside the door,  for her beaming face to appear from behind the glass window that lets you see who it is outside. Usually she flaps her hands excitedly and makes yelping sounds but today she started saying “Mumma, mumma, mumma…” very softly almost under her breath. And my heart skipped a beat. It still does whenever she says it.

What was it? Ofcourse, I was excited about her saying a word and knowing the meaning, of course she said it verrry sweetly but much more than that it was that I had finally, completely become “Mumma” and finally the one I was Mumma to knew it too.

I know, in years to come, it would be said sometimes with anger, sometimes with nostalgia, sometimes when crying and sometimes when having a good time, I would probably hear it being said more down the phone line than in person but my heart shall always skip a beat…

Thanksgiving..

Taking a cue (downright copying) from my dear friend S, here is thanksgiving for the year gone by and some before that. Thank you God for:

• Kanushi - My love, my baby. Perfect in every sense (if only she would start sleeping more uninterruptedly!). Best thing to have happened to me ever. Did not know it would be this way, did not I could be this way. Love you my doll.
• Neeraj - For being who he is and being there. Of course there is space for improvement (and I am talking BIG space here). And for how he is with Kanushi.
• Mummy - Most importantly for being with me throughout the miscarriage I had.
• MIL - For after Kanushi was born. For taking care of all my needs, pampering and making me feel like a princess. Though she fed me copious amount of ghee and ladoos, she also woke up at unearthly hours to make kadhas (I now know why!) for me and did not let anything get in way of my comfort.
• A quick normal delivery
• My job - Just to be able to keep it, for the money, for the flexibility, for letting me get out of the house for sometime and for letting me be me.

Ok, and here is the wishlist (I wouldn't call them resolutions because that leaves me free to not do anything about them).

• Get/ Stay more in touch with friends
• Get a smokin' bod (Now, who am I kidding)
• Be a good parent
• Enjoy life

Here is to love, fun, health and good times! Welcome 2012!