Meri Shaadi..

Kanushi often likes to play with my beaded necklaces, pulling them over her head, ears, wrapping them around her wrists, ankles... Yesterday, after asking me for one to play she goes..

Kanushi: Mumma, meri shadi kab hogi?
Me: Jab tumhara mann hoga..
Kanushi: Mummy, mera mann kar raha hai..
Me: Kisse shaadi karogi?
Kanushi: Tumse
Me: Kisko bulaogi shaadi mein?
Kanushi: Papa, Poonam didi, Shambhavi, Shashwat, followed by 5-6 more of her friends' names
Me: Kya karogi shaadi mein
Kanushi: Khaana khilaoongi, tika lagagoongi..

K spake..

"Shabash! Mere cheeteh!" to Mommy on finally being able to hit one ball with a bat that she threw at me. The next one I was able to hit got a "Shabash! Good job".

Her Papa sings a popular ad jingle over and over again and she goes "Yeh gaana hai ki ro rahe ho?".

While munching grapes, her Papa tells her "Main tumhe kha jaoonga" and she quips "Main koi angoor hoon?!".

All in a day..

Was at a release of a study of On-ramp and Up-ramp profesional women in India and as the presenter laid down their findings, a multitude of emotions take over - of familiarity, the study spoke of things known and felt as the constant nodding of heads in the room indicated; of reassurance, that I am not in this alone; of helplessness, knowing and feeling and not being able to shake it off; of hope, there are many in this together, questions have begun to be asked, answers must be round the corner...

And even as the experience gets me thinking in a million ways, it is hard to come of the shackles of reality that professional women face in India (and for that matter worldwide) today and it takes just one day to get a real taste of it. The 4 incidents below happened in a span of 24 hours around this event and they along with it sum it up very well..

Incident 1: A day before the event, as the oneleading the gender diversity initiative at my business unit, I, urge a senior woman leader to take some time out to attend the event the next day.. I am told that an important client is imminent and preparations are in full swing which is why she wouldn't be able to attend. The real reasons are laid out by another colleague at the lunch table in whom this senior lady had confided that she doesn't dig this concept of women getting together and bashing the men/the organizations/ the system/ the world and wouldn't want to be associated with such nari mukti morchas. She feels we are all equals and women needn't be given any "special treatment" or a diiferent thought in professional organizations. Now, I am trying really hard not to judge here but this one is not married and has no kids; and two, ironically, she is part of a sponsorship program that has a hand picked 20 high potential women who are being given the "special treatment" to help break the alleged glass ceiling.

Incident 2: I come out of the discussion all thinking and "open-minded" and bump into this ex-colleague, now with another organization. She first pities me on being with the same organization for so long with a near- accurate estimate of my tenure here and then proceeds to ask what I am up to these days. As I tell her I have moved from Operations to the Training function (more fashionably - the Learning & development function), with eyes rounder than the quiche on her plate she asks me if I am on a break. I am sorry, ok I am not, but, I lost it - with my dead pan-nest face and the iciest voice I ask her what she means. She goes on to explain unperturbed and in full earnest how the role must be less stressful and I have to in my most you-must-be-joking voice tell her that is definitely not the case. Lady, if I were on a break, I would not be there. There was a term in the study for such options that women take, the "scenic route".. right now though, I really miss the scenery..

Incident 3: Another colleague and I get talking at the reception laid down for the participants afterwards on the "pushes" and "pulls" that have women opting out of work force. She is my age, married with no kids and we discuss on how even in the absence of the "pulls", women feel "pushed". She tells me that in the last 2 years, she has been asked more than 10 times by HR representatitves on what her chid bearing plans are.. informally, of course. I am speechless..

Incident 4: I am back at home and take my girl to the play area. Chit-chatting with a couple of other mothers, one of them laments how her son wouldn't listen to the help she has at home to which the other one has her sumg analysis and revelation - the kids keep getting irritated the whole day not seeing their parents and that results in such behavior. The other one has to sheepishly remind her that she is longer works since the last one year and I am left to wonder if it was for me. I decide against it but the feeling doesn't leave of constantly being judged of the non-professional set, the society (my family included) and being made to feel less of a mother. I am sure I am guilty of prejudices I hold towards this group too....

Sab theek?

Tired and in pain from the cramps, I crashed on her play mat as I returned from work... K comes and asks me "Mumma, kya hua? When I tell her that my tummy hurts, she puts her hand on my head and says "Mumma, sab theek ho jayega".

Of course, my baby, there is no other way life could be..

The (non)working woman..

To continue working after your child is born is a question most professionally inclined women struggle and it is no less diffcult no matter which way you choose. Women live with guilt on either side of the fence, they also find it easily to blame the working/ non-working for almost everything and funnily the same thing.

A friend (who had recently quit her job) lameneted that her child was clingy, sought attention and was not as well behaved and that it had probably to do with her staying at home. The same evening, we visited K's dentist and after a stellar performance from my darling girl (no tears, no fuss) and after my job came up, the dentist said that she always thought I was a stay-at-home mom because she found K to be well-behaved in contrast to her son who was clingy, sought attention and was not as well behaved as she would like. Ah, well.. 

And it starts..

The demands that is. K made her first demand after watching the advertisements on TV for an item not targeted at her, not used by her, in a show not meant for her. Pointing at a handbag dangling on a skinny arm she goes "Mujhe yeh bag chahiye, tum aate hue le aaogi?"

Taking stock..

An old post that stayed in my "Drafts" till STG's blog reminded me of it.. probably a good time to post as we enter the new year..

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Now, seems like a good time to take stock of where I am. In fact, any time is... but with the 32nd birthday just gone by and K's second birthday and the eighth (yes, eighth!) wedding anniversary round the corner seems like a good time. Not that I haven't done it in a long time but probably want to use this space to organize my thoughts better (a la The Toddler's room plan). Plus, having some goals and those in black ink (Ok, black font) in the cyber space seen by millions of cyber denizens (Ok, probably two) must mean more than just having them in my head churning and changing every day.

As probably most of us do, I consider myself a sum of many interconnected parts which influence and draw from each other. They make up my mood, health and the general sense of happiness or well being. I want to address them separately so that none feels neglected and they can all work together.

Physical - Make peace with it. The body has been through a lot since the birth of K and changed in many ways. While working out still remains a distant dream even now, at least begin in the way of eating right ( I believe I have started in my small way). At any stage, fat or skinny (not seeing that in this lifetime again, I am sure), never to belittle (pun intended) the body - respect it, enjoy it and love it enough to adorn it with beautiful clothes, accessories etc. Strength, is something I find lacking right now - improve it with some training. Keep it in shape for the possible birth of another child and the increasing age in general.

Emotional - Take charge. Trying hard to internalize that happiness is a choice, not a result of circumstances, what other people say/ do not say/do. Take the onus, change the situation or make it stop affecting you. Find ways to avoid unhappiness, get a better understanding of what makes me happy and use it shamelessly everytime. Give also the my heart the space and time to be sad, angry, disappointed, whatever - but not for long..

Professional - Bear it. My job isn't the one that makes me want to jump out of the bed every morning (and if you think people/ jobs like that don't exist, meet the Mr.), but it does take me out of the home, gets me the money, makes me meet other people, allows to have another facet to myself and occasionally gives me the satisfaction of a job well done. So while I stay on the lookout for the dream job/ vocation - hang in there, with or without a job and respect and enjoy what I have. Also, as Papa advised yesterday, make good use of the money as long as it is flowing in - put on the dust eating financial hat and think some.

Spiritual - Frankly, haven't given that much thought but have begun to think a little about another issue used interchangeably for Spirituality - Religion. Not to mix the two, but do plan to know a little more about the religion I was born it, have an opinion on it - for myself and when the time comes, for K.

Social - Do something, one thing which is bigger than myself which touches one more than me or my near ones. Have been absolving myself with money but that is the easiest to give. It is not the least important to receive but I do want to contribute with some time and engagement.

Enjoyment - Yes, its not a part of me but as the real purpose of life evades me, I do hope it to be one of them. Know what I like, may like and do it - at least try it. Be braver. Create. Found that it is definitely one thing that makes me happy (I have a feeling it would make most happy). Create anything - a dish, a cake, a painting, an idea, a blog post, anything. It makes me even happier than knowing. Probably, this is what creativity is supposed to mean too and not the usual way it is connoted of always coming up with something new, unchartered..

This is probably the heaviest I have written here or anywhere and as amply evident, I am well on my way to Moksh. : )  I just wish I have a rocking time on the way...